Depending on your work environment, you either tolerate the yearly tradition of Secret Santa or your despise it. If you are looking for an alternative office gift guide that is totally and unabashedly biased… Look no further!
We furnish you with the Raw Dog Screaming Press Holiday Buying Guide. As a bonus feature, it doubles for other gift recipients you may not know so well– such as extended family, in-laws, the new creep with your sister or awkward weirdo with your brother, and so forth!
Better Haunted Homes and Gardens
Author: Jennifer C. Barnes
Illustrator: Kristen Margiotta
$11.95, Imaginary BooksTHE GOODIf Tim Burton made a children’s book it would be this. If you dislike Burton’s work, you can still enjoy the really cool aesthetic in this pint-sized dose without having to sit through a feature-length film.
THE BAD
Ole mopey won’t cheer up with the gift, nor will they move away to any of the houses in the book. In fact you’ll probably be seeing a lot more of them because they’ll appreciate you giving them such a strange gift.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Maybe you should just save this for yourself– or your friends who have children. Not receiving a gift is secretly what the Goth desires in order to fuel their sullen angst.
SERVE WITH: Sarsaparilla
BEST SHARED WITH: A Goth-era Kim Kardashian
Fellengrey
Author: Scott Thomas
Hardcover $29.95
Trade Paperback: $14.95
Raw Dog Screaming PressTHE GOOD
Fellengrey is a fantasy adventure set in the not-too-distant past, so it will appeal to those into steampunk and readers pining for another Tolkien-inspired novel.
THE BAD
Your gamer will become obsessed with naval battles, how magic can be implemented in naval battles, tabletop naval games from Games Workshop (which cost a fortune), and will give themselves a maritime makeover via Etsy and eBay. Brace yourself.
THE BOTTOM LINE
It’s fun, it’s elegant, it’s action packed– and you don’t even need to read it to find out because the gamer will tell you all about it. Then you can be the authority on the book when the film version eventually comes out.
SERVE WITH: Remy Martin XO Cognac
BEST SHARED WITH: Dwight Schrute
The Blood Poetry
Author: Leland Pitts-Gonzalez
Hardcover $29.95
Trade Paperback: $14.95
Raw Dog Screaming PressTHE GOOD
Leland Pitts-Gonzalez has created a mind-expanding postmodern horror that draws a line in the sand between the hip gift-giver, the person who cares what you think of them after the gift-giving, and the person who will bury you in the sandbox. Interpret that as you will.
THE BAD
Your creeper will either be compelled to take their strangeness to the next level, or they might give up on trying to be “the weird one.” Either way they won’t be the same. Heck, they might not ever come to the office again.
THE BOTTOM LINE
When the Police, Secret Service, or other law enforcement entities question you, you’ve got plausible deniability. All you did was buy a book! How could you have known things would spiral out of control? Anyway, all the cool kids are doing it.
SERVE WITH: Lucid Absinthe
BEST SHARED WITH: Lady Gaga
Hellbender
Author: Jason Jack Miller
$14.95, Raw Dog Screaming PressTHE GOOD
This has everything a traditionalist adores: Beautiful storytelling, grudges leading to murder and extra helpings of superstition (or is that magic stuff all real?). People who believe things they cannot see hold power over them will flip out after reading this.
THE BAD
Hellbender is part of a series, and the author has only published two of the five (or possibly more) novels that tell the overall story. If you’re impatient, maybe you want to wait before wading into this addictive world– although Jason Jack Miller works quickly and a third installment is slated for mid-2013.
THE BOTTOM LINE
This might be the most all-purpose book to make the list. People who like horror, romance, mystery, or literary novels— they’ll all be happy with this pick. Just make sure to include some strands of your hair between the pages to freak them out.
SERVE WITH: Midnight Moon Apple Pie Moonshine
BEST SHARED WITH: Willem Dafoe
Architectures of Possibility
Author: Lance Olsen
$15.95, Guide Dog BooksTHE GOOD
There are tons of self-help styled books for authors out there, as a trip to your bookstore or library will attest. But it is guaranteed that none is anything like this one, because it is not about chasing money or the technical “how” of writing. It is about being different and creating art in spite of the commercial publishing system, and it’s kinda mind-blowing.
THE BAD
Yeah, it’ll be hard to go back to reading and/or writing anything in the traditional publishing system again after reading this. As Morpheus says in The Matrix, “You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.” Architectures of Possibility is the red pill, natch.
THE BOTTOM LINE
This isn’t a textbook, so it’s not boring– even though universities across the country include it in their coursework. It makes the perfect gift for anybody who continuously complains about “art and commerce” and expects you to care, or to actually come to their open mic poetry readings…
SERVE WITH: Snooty Fox Cabernet Sauvignon
BEST SHARED WITH: Scarlett Johansson
The Kyoto Man
Author: D. Harlan Wilson
$50.00 (Signed/Limited HC)
$29.95 Hardcover
$14.95 Trade Paperback
Raw Dog Screaming PressTHE GOOD
There are those among us who enjoy feeling smart at the expense of their fellow man. They are often called IT Techs. This book will make gods of its readers. The end. Post script: the covers for all three editions were designed by Brett Weldele (artist for The Surrogates, among others).
THE BAD
It’s currently a preorder. Some folks are such fanboys or masochists that they enjoy receiving IOUs— I mean preorders— as gifts. Others not so much. Current ETA for the limited edition is late December, but the hardcover and paperback won’t be out until February or March.
THE BOTTOM LINE
If you want to stick it to someone, you can give this preorder, then watch them wait for its eventual release. Or maybe you actually know somebody who enjoys the surrealism of David Lynch or the spectacle of Cirque du Soleil who would cherish a book this bizarre and over-the-top.
SERVE WITH: Macallan 1949 Single Malt
BEST SHARED WITH: John Goodman
SuiPsalms
Author: John Edward Lawson
$14.95, Raw Dog Screaming PressTHE GOOD
It’s not really as depressing as it sounds, being about suicide and all. In the words of IMJ’s own Heidi Ruby Miller, “SuiPsalms holds a surprising amount of hope among its gritty verse.”
THE BAD
Yeah, it’s still about death and dying. And as much fun as that is, it must come to an end; like most poetry collections it’s much shorter than a novel.
THE BOTTOM LINE
People who are into poetry will like it, people who don’t usually like poetry will also be entertained, and those with morbid fixations will be in hog heaven. Most importantly: If you want to give somebody a hint, what could possibly be more subtle than this?
SERVE WITH: Delirium Tremens Ale
BEST SHARED WITH: Christopher Walken
